Midnight madness....or sadness

Hell yes chain posting fever, I waited until after 12:00 midnight to start writing this post so technically it happened on the next day. 

So I thought of an epic one liner to describe the events of the past hour:

Waiting for one's arrival...

This was definitely not ripped from any version of the Unlimited Blade Works chant so don't go looking them up to prove me wrong. Go drink tea instead, because:

And I pity the fool who doesn't believe that.

 I started off this (extremely) early morning adventure waiting for a game of League of Legends to load. This is because my computer sucks, taking upwards of 3 to 5 minutes for a game that may only last 20 minutes. Some of my friends have made disparaging remarks that my machine is, among other things:

• A Toaster
• A wooden computer
• A Texas Instruments graphing calculator
• Being powered by a hamster running on a wheel

  I find that these allegations offensive due to the implication that real toasters and hamster powered computers are as slow as mine, which is frankly not true. They're faster.

  So to pass the time I decided to break open a pack of Oreo cookies. On further examination though, I realized that not only is it impossible to really 'break' plastic packaging(you just kinda tear it up instead if you didn't know), there was small fine print on the front saying "Enlarged to show texture". Whoa.

  At first I was absolutely delighted that the cookie makers would enlarge their cookies just so people could see this wondrous texture they speak of. But upon opening the package to my dismay the cookies were regular sized, meaning Oreo are lying scumbags and will surely fall into ruin from a class action lawsuit by disappointed cookie lovers across the world. Even worse, the second cookie I found had....*gasp*...ONE SIDE FACING THE WRONG WAY!!!

That's right Father, one of the crunchy chocolate disks had been flipped over so that the Oreo letters and the breathtaking patterns of the texture was smooshed right into the white creme. Only the grim, mechanical visage of the completely flat other side greeted me outwardly. Clearly this is a defect in workmanship. I knew then what I had to do.

There is no way I will eat this culinary abomination. No, I must REJECT this blasphemous cookie! For I know that there is but one TRUE LORD; the Flying Spaghetti Monster(Praised be His pasta), master of all 4 elements* of the old food pyramid!

Unfortunately despite its unholy terror it still looks delicious. It begins to speak to me in drawling satanic cookie speech.

Cookie: Eat me.
Me: NO, I refuse! 
Cookie: I have less than 20 calories per seeerviing.....
Me: My body may remain pure but my soul will be STEEPED IN SIN.
Cookie: You know you want to....
Me: Begone, vile pastry!
Cookie: Do it
Me: no
Cookie: DOO EET
Me: NOH
Cookie: DOOOOOOO EEEEEEEEET
Me: NUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhverygoood

Alas I could not resist the temptation. Oh noodley father, why hast thou abandoned me?

*Spaghetti for the Grains, Tomato Sauce for Fruits and Vegetables, Meatballs for meat, and Parmesan cheese for Dairy.