dodgemax

This is the best....PUNCHING ANGLE!!!

 "Yes, let me retrieve my personal communication unit so that I may capture a digital photograph featuring the two of us. I understand this is an activity humans in developed regions often perform to help assuage their feelings of existential terror." --me

I'm sure you've all heard the advice "Look both ways before crossing the street", or something along those lines, right?
As a student of Gayme Theory I overanalyzed this phrase as a decision tree yesterday afternoon as I am wont to do, and jumped to a bizarre conclusion.

Node 1: You, the pedestrian, stand at the precipice of a wide road frequented by automobiles. Following the advice handed down to you by your elders, you look left and right down the road.

• If there are no cars, you begin to cross.
• If there are cars, you don't cross, and wait for a while before repeating Node 1.

Node 2: You are now crossing the street. Is it not reasonable that the advice still applies from before? Indeed it does, and you still look left and right out of precaution.

• If there are no cars, you may continue to cross as normal.
• But if there are cars....

...what are you going to do?
Stopping and waiting like Node 1 suggests certainly isn't an option. 
No, there's only one thing to do. You have to burn the rope.
You have to dodge the cars.

"But my parents never taught me how to dodge speeding cars!"

Yes, and I'm starting to realize this is a major deficiency of today's parenting and educational system. To rectify this, I put forth what I consider...a modest proposal:

The wide-scale construction of large fenced off parking lots or wide stretches of pavement and designating them as "public automobile etiquette training" areas, or re-purposing existing unused lots to serve as such. 

This would be a great resource for new and returning drivers to practice driving in a controlled environment- but more importantly, it provides the perfect proving ground for new and returning pedestrians to test their car-dodging skills.

Different 'arenas' could be simulated by the strategic placement of Jersey walls, starting with a suburban cul-de-sac for the uninitiated and those lacking confidence all the way up to the single lane winding forest trail where escaping over the side is prohibited. 

And of course you have the 6 lane "interstate highway", a flexible training area that can scale with the dodger's skill by increasing traffic flow. 

Veteran car dodgers can demonstrate tried and true maneuvers such as the tumble, the sideswipe, the oopsie-doodle, as well as more advanced techniques like Running Up the Windshield, the Pole Vault Combo, the Iron Man Catch, and the Hole in One.

Vehicles will have customizable attachments like bumper extenders that may increase or decrease possible surface area to affect their chances of a direct hit, or other fun additions like wheel spikes, a throwback to the chariots of old.

All these measures will serve as ample preparation for when pedestrians have to cross these roads "for real", as they say on the street.