Wendigos Assemble

National Novel Writing Month is in full swing, so I should really be writing my novel, "The Truest Treasure" instead of doing this blog post. Then again, nearly every single time I write one of these posts, it's when I'm supposed to be doing something else, be it homework, going to lecture, or doing something productive with my life.
 

don't you wish you were this pro

tumblr isn't so bad actually. there's some legit blags, like 70sscifiart. But I'll still never use it myself.

time is wasting

"Are you the manager of this blog? Then you suck!" --everyone

It's close to 9 in the morning as I write this, and I am just dying to know why the door to the women's restroom is pinned open. The lights are flickering, a sure sign that it's a Matrix-style demonic possession trap. I'm running on battery despite the fact that there is a suitable power port not more than 5 feet away. 

So yeah, long time no see huh. You know that feeling you get sometimes, when you should really be doing some kinda work right now, but instead you feel like starting up another update post on that old blag you completely forgot about more than half a year ago? That's how I felt yesterday as I went through my afternoon ablutions, then decided to put off procrastination until now.

*8 minutes until imminent doom.*

What a pro, right. Just kidding, procrastinating on procrastinating is the exact opposite of being pro. Anyway, just wanted to let my non-existent audience know I'm still alive. Unfortunately I'm too lazy to post some funny picture to make this post worth your time. 

Uh. Flying cheeseburgers. Terrible.

*4 minutes until imminent doom.*

I really need to get more sleep. kthxbai

boonga boonga

How about both?

Do you enjoy combining things, just for the sake of combining, like mixing ketchup with mustard, milk with orange juice, ketchup with ice cream sandwiches? Then you've come to the right place! With this guide, I will show you how to achieve combinatorial bliss in 3, count 'em, three easy steps!

Step 1: Pick Two
Imagine two things that you really like. The more different they are, the better. Acquire them in their physical form, if possible. If not, that's okay, this is primarily a mental exercise. Visualize each object in your mind. In this example, I will select Chex Mix and Shrek.

straight from the shadynormal plastic bag

"Wow...It tastes like...Chex Mix!" --friend, while trying out my samples
"What?! No, that's not what I laced it w- never mind." -- me

Step 2: Expand Vocabulary
Now, create a new word using letters from the names of the two things. Try to retain one or two of the syllables from the old names. This word will describe the end result of the fusion. I'll combine Chex and Shrek to create "Shrex".

Step 3: Let Google do the work
This is the most controversial step, so be warned. On your web browser(which you are presumably reading this blog from, unless you are some professional procrastinator), open up your favorite search engine, and go to the image search. You see, search engines possess the magic that will transform your dream of combos into a reality. This is where your newly crafted word(s) come into play. All you have to do is type it in the box and go, like thus:

So for my example, I will look for pictures of...wait...uh...this doesn't seem like such a good idea all of a sudden...I'm not sure why, but I get a really bad feeling from this.
Hold on, I'mma squash this spider. Whomp. Squish. Hah. Now...
What to do, what to do....you know what, I won't let something silly like feelings stop me from getting what I want. I'm gonna DOO EET, I'm gonna click that button and-

April Anniversary

You may be wondering why I didn't post yesterday despite it being April already. That's because yesterday was April Fool's Day, and I know that you would all have expected some gigantic super special awesome hilarious joke if I posted that day. The pressure was simply too much for me to handle. That and the fact that this whole blog is just one big joke. 

April 2nd also happens to be the day that I made the very first post on this blog, exactly 1 year ago in 2013. "Time flies", right? Wrong, every single day I went through since then has seemed like a grueling eternity of drudgery and torment. And it will be the same for next year too. Anyway, I will be celebrating the 1 year anniversary by giving you ever so slightly more insight into my creative process.

You may be wondering what kind of extraordinary man it takes to create such a great blog like this. I can tell you that it took years of training, typing lessons, pun dueling, and other contests of wit just to get to this level of stupidity. While I cannot show you what I look like during the creative process, I can give you a glimpse of another Master at work:

Watch as he deftly carves pointlessness from a block of literary cheesecake that would in any other case be very funny. His haphazard, pluripotent style is so moving, it drives me almost to tears.

There was a big white poster board stand outside today, where people were asked to write in a term to fill in the blank in the statement "I am _____ and proud". I suppose they were trying to promote animal marriage rights or something but that statement is just too vague. There are lots of things you can do and be proud of that I doubt they would endorse. I mean you can basically write stuff like:
"I am chauvinist and proud."
"I am a murderer and proud."
"I am a rapist and proud." 
"I am pedophile and proud."
"I am a coffee drinker and proud." 
"I am Belieber and proud."
                                          -- not me
Or maybe they would endorse it. Let's go find out.

Listen what I say-o

"March comes in like a lion and out like a lamb" --A Liar

Here in the Northern Hemisphere, it's supposed to be spring. That's why it was snowing heavily yesterday. Just like last Tuesday, I was sitting inside one morning seeing the gray sky outside. I looked back 15 minutes later to see fast moving McFlurries(jk just regular flurries) descending from the heavens. My reaction was one of pure joy:

 Today the snow all melted away back to the green grass, leaving only the squishy wet mud sticking onto your feet and shoes to show that it was ever there. Now I can finally say AH, IT'S SPRING AGAIN(even I don't know what that's a reference to). Time for frolicking and other stupidly cheerful activities that I will have no part of. 

When I mentioned snow, you probably thought I was going to make a reference to that really popular song from the Disney movie that came out at the end of last year. But no, the post title is actually a misheard line from the Red Hot Chili Pepper's single "Snow".

For those of you who don't know, Disney's "Burned" is about a princess born with the magical power to turn everything she touches into fire. Her sibling travels across the land, meeting the most unlikely comrades on an epic journey to stop her from turning the world to ashes. When she first gains the freedom to use her power, she sings the song "Let it Burn" a hit solo composed by the master himself, Tommy Lee Jones-sensei.

I should really change my forum avatar...

I realize I've been delving too much into the mundane details of my personal life. But simply saying random crap is going full retard. And you never go full retard.
[The picture of the guy saying to never go full retard]

"See you in April, scrubs." --Me

I spent weeks looking for that chef boy picture...I was so happy when I finally found it...

Chocolate Rain

The jump that launched a thousand ships (the gooey kind)

It's exactly one month too late to do a post about love/romance/kidnapping, but upon recommendation from a friend, I watched this animated movie titled The Garden of Words. Its about 45 minutes long, half the length of a full feature. Nobody told me no genre, but I could see that it was clearly an action packed adventure- no it was a boring romantic drama. To warn away you folks with low attention span so you don't get bored, I will show you the following screen capture:

This is the most exciting scene in the entire movie. Unless you have a crying fetish but I'll get to that later.

My first impressions were
Wow such quality
very smooth
The animation was top notch, so I don't regret taking the time to acquire the 720p version instead of streaming it (240p gaze it) on some trashball site. The water looked great, the trees look like they came right out of a watercolor painting, the people....all looked the same. So it was rather difficult for me to tell who the bad guy was.

After several meaningless scenery shots, the story finally begins. It takes place in Average Asian City, Asianland. One morning, a young boy decides he's going to be COOL GUY and skips off from the train station. He justifies it by saying it's raining, but in reality he is just too cool for school. After trolling people at the supermarket, he walks through some tropical jungle park on a paved path that leads all the way up to...a gazebo.

"WHAT?!?!" That's right. You heard me. A gazebo.

Yes, I was thinking the exact same thing. I was totally convinced that the gazebo was going to be the bad guy and eat everyone at the end. But it didn't, which was very disappointing.

Sitting inside this gazebo is a strange woman. I was wondering, is this boy retarded? Didn't his parents ever tell him not to talk to strangers? Doesn't he know just how dangerous gazebos are? Then the flashback comes. Oh, he was raised by an alcoholic single mom and an abusive brother. It all makes sense now. 

This woman is obviously a wise master of the aimless way. She eats only the cardinal foods, chocolate and beer, the ambrosia buffet as Hades would put it. She asks the boy how he knows that you need to eat something with beer, he says it's his mom that is the drinker. Nice try guy, we all know you have a drinking problem too. She gives him some weird proverb that is supposed to help him recover.

The guy wants to be a shoe maker. Like the Levy-Schumaker comet. That reminds me, I gotta go watch the Cosmos TV series, get on Carl Swagan's ship of imagination.

The first deep concept this movie shows is that the rain is good, something I can relate to. Acid rain helps to ruin crops and signify the atmosphere has reached a sufficient level of pollution.

After the long summer (winter is coming guise) (again) the boy finally figures out that this whole time, the woman was actually the O87UV90ZD8SERFf8sz90duf32hfspu12XfGCfqXHnLYBVEKB2ryfabrZh35kufZQ 

uH sOMETHING about cougars and bare feet

crying, tears were shed, you can't imagine the feels I'm not feeling right now

The End

Crap I can't eat this trail mix, it's too spicy

Grumpy Monkey

Daylight Savings Time is an American core value, despite its peculiarities. The actual time period that we are in savings mode is more than half the year(8 months), so shouldn't it be called standard time and the rest of the year be called, I don't know, Daylight Not-Saving time? Daylight Wasting Time sounds like a great name to me but puts forth some unfortunate implications about the work ethics here in Eagleland.

Anyways, if you listen to the radio often, you may have noticed that announcers have coined the term "Grumpy Monday" to refer to today, as apparently many people have had their schedules thrown out of whack by the 1 hour adjustment making them very grumpy. This has almost meaningless to me. I'm grumpy on every Monday morning, and I don't schedule anything. It really has more to do with the lack of sleep for me, and the interrupted sleep cycles for everyone else. Learn2sleep plan schedule scrubs.

To continue on my serious streak, I think I'll tell you the story of how I came to Eagleland. Are you prepared for some serious drama? Well, here it is:

I was born here. The End. 

This post was originally supposed to be about something else, something I told a certain someone I'd do, but I'm too grumpy, so it'll have to wait. Maybe when I'm not grumpy I'll give you the non-serious version of my story. It'll have Tidus' laugh and everything.

don't touch sandvich

You know that feeling when you take a bite out of a big sandwich, like one of those high quality Subway things, and your teeth pull out the entire slab of meat or tomatoes? I really hate when that happens, it leaves the two pieces of bread an empty husk of what the sandwich used to be. It's a really terrible thing that shouldn't have to happen to anyone. Well, maybe my worst enemy. Serves them right for eating Safeway. 

How was I supposed to know seaweed eats babies?

But recently, I've been thinking about this phenomenon. Could it be that sandwiches are independent, living organisms? The meat/tomatoes falling out could be a survival mechanism, akin to an animal biting off its own limbs to escape a deadly trap. Except that we usually end up eating the rest of the sandwich anyway. It's just that it feels much more like a chore, an obligation that we must soldier through. Maybe in a couple hundred years we'll have stopped eating sandwiches outright because they take too much effort to enjoy properly.

Speaking of obligations, I started off this post about food because I went to a buffet again today. Now if you've read about my last buffet adventure this may be unsettling news to you. But don't worry, I won't be subjecting you to a vibrating ninja turtle this time.

Instead of an Asian style buffet, it was a "normal" buffet, about as normal as it gets here in Eagleland. I didn't have to make many difficult decisions about what animal's legs were the most delicious (obviously homo sapiens but not every place offers that). I managed to get in 4 full plates of stuff this time instead of the usual 2, but I suspect that was because the plates themselves were smaller. 

They must be self-conscious about all the fat people in this country to do that. Maybe they read that book, Baffleton's Chungergames(an important source of inspiration for this blog's underlying concepts) (just kidding there's no relation), where the main character girl got upset that people liked to take drugs and vomit while the other people were sad. 

I think they took the wrong moral from that story. The moral isn't that we should try not to steer society in a direction that would create that situation one day or anything like that. That's ridiculous. The moral is that when its party time(Wayne's World!), you'll give it THE BEST YOU'VE GOT. If that means vomiting, you puke it up to your stomach's delight! Don't let stuck up self proclaimed heroines (notice how heroine sounds like a popular drug) like the Rockinggay tell you how to have your fun!

Now, you may be wondering, what is my next post going to be about? Well, if you're reading this more than a week after I wrote this, you already know so I don't really have to tell you. But for you nostalgic fellows who enjoy living in the past, I'm just going to warn you now that its going to be a very significant break from the usual goofball dramatic tone in most of my posts. Maybe I'll even tell you the story of how I came to Eagleland. But no matter what is, you can be sure that it's more serious. OR IS IT???

Hmm, I still seemed to wolf down a lot more food than I did at the last buffet adventure. My stomach barely survived that ordeal. But it's alright, it's mind over matter, mind over matter, mastermind over dark matter. Besides, I learned an odd tidbit fact(doctors HATE him!) in health class or some nutrition website: Apparently the human digestive system has a significant degree of what I call "sensor lag", or "stomach lag". When you start eating something, it can take up to 15, 20, maybe even 30 minutes from the time you swallow before your stomach actually registers that food has entered your system. Going off that analogy of lag, it'll take the same amount of time after you've stopped eating for your stomach to register that its full, or more than full, or explodey levels of full. Wait, isn't that right about no-
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

All the lights in the sky

I never meant to start a war.
I just wanted you to let me in. (Like that vampire movie, Tsukijime)
And instead of using force-
No get out of here Miley Dyrus-me, nobody wants to see those balls.
Man, I apologize for not trusting in the Lord Kelvin, I didn't know of the Vroopful Resurrection of Son of a Bishop. Nobody tells me these things :(

I beg forgiveness O great and aimless one. Henceforth Lord Kelvin shall be a patron saint of the Church of ProZ, and an Aimless Bible shall be written to chronicle the history of the chosen people, the Aimless Army.
IN THE NAME OF THE LORD, SHIPS SHALL BE BUILT TO CARRY OUR WARRIORS OUT AMONGST THE STARS, AND WE WILL SPREAD AIMLESSNESS TO ALL THE UNBELIEVERS!

Anyway, you may have noticed that I finally put in (Putin hurhurhur) the stuff on the right side of the page. Please, help me make tons of monies support this blog and maybe make enough to buy a ticket. You know, to the BIG GAME?

dog u KNOW i love the big game

But it's okay, you can make some monies and go to the BIG GAME too. I found this cool site called QoinPro, you get free imaginary monies every so often so if you're interested click that link and sign up. They spelled coin wrong so you know they're legit.

It's never over!

I'm getting rather concerned for aimless man's mental health. All that lack of sleep must be tough on his mental fortitude. So much so that he's created this alter ego persona, "Son of a Bishop" or whatever to pretend he's a completely different person when posting from it. He's not fooling me, I know the real Son of a Bishop died months ago in a terrible implosion of apathy, bless his Mormon-ish soul. I just have one question for you, aimless guy: 

SO YOU THINK MONSTERS ARE YOUR ALLY?


I was born a monster, molded by monsters! And when I was a monster grown, the people were nothing to me but COOKIES!!

Normally, this is the time where I tell myself to quit posting pictures of scary things before I turn into a tumblr-goer, but I'm not hearing any voices right now. Maybe if I listen closely...
OM NOM NOM NOM
Oh I'm eating cookies, that would explain it.
NOM NOM- carry on- NOMNOM
Well this is unprecedented. I'm not giving myself any trouble. I should consult my psychologist about this. Wait never mind, I realized Freud's been dead for like a century.
Just you wait, me. Juuuust you wait. *munch*