The real minds of plants

Wow, its been what, 10 days since I last posted? Aimless guy, Weather Pigs, even freaking chweris is faster than me now. I'd be way behind schedule...if I had a schedule for this, which I don't. I don't really have schedules for anything, I just do things when I feel like it. This is a really bad practice, one that will likely be detrimental to a successful career. I should start organizing my self and stuff. 

Man, why am I saying this in the first place? Well, it's exactly the kind of mopey self reflection type monologue you should be making when talking to your plants! 

As you may already know if you grow plants around your abode, talking to them every day is very beneficial. Scientifically, this is because your breath contains carbon dioxide which is what plants 'breath' to synthesize their food in combination with sunlight. They then exhale this random element called oxygen which obviously is not very useful for anything whatsoever, besides maybe setting things on fire. (not that humans need oxygen to survive or anything silly like that)

I love Nyoro~n comics

In actuality, talking to your plants helps because your average houseplant is more intelligent then it lets on. They just choose not to use their minds because they subscribe to that old saying: "ignorance is bliss". 

Plants keep themselves permanently in a comatose state to shield their fragile psyches from knowing of the traumatic atrocities inflicted upon their kind every day.  
This is where the medical term "vegetative state" comes from.

If you were an orange tree, would you want to know about the thousands of your unborn babies being greedily torn apart and devoured by greasy apes, or having them being squeezed to a pulp so the very lifeblood that keeps them alive can be drunk for breakfast?

If you answered yes, well good for you, it means you are strong enough to face the truth*, but you clearly have no understanding what it is like being an orange tree.
None of them would say yes. In fact, they wouldn't say anything at all because they know you are just going to pluck away their children and eat them anyway.

Every time you go outside, think about how many blades of grass you step on when you're walking or running. People even grow nice orderly lawns of grass so they and their fellows can squash them underfoot and sit on them! Just look at the joyous expression of pure evil on this baby's face as he rips up bodies and crushes the souls of these grasses!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

"those teeming masses exist for the sole purpose, of lifting the few exceptional people onto their shoulders." 

-- The Green Baby, from the movie Arachnidperson

The true goal of talking to plants is to lure them into a false sense of security, convincing them that we aren't watering them and keeping them alive just so we can butcher them and eat them like the grisly animals we are. By talking about your problems, you are essentially tricking your plant into thinking you are not like the rest of those murderers, that you're an intellectual on par with them. 

Don't worry about this dishonesty too much, it's ultimately for the good of everyone. The reassured plants will grow faster and larger to create a more bountiful harvest. Ignore their screams of betrayal when you mercilessly cut them down.

You may be voicing concerns of another oppressed ethnic group we also craft for the sole purpose of supporting our feet and butts: chairs. 
I also wish to address their grievances, but alas it is a story for another time.

*it's just bulging, dangling right in your face!